{"id":3269,"date":"2017-01-12T16:11:02","date_gmt":"2017-01-12T18:11:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mahila.lt.kirtiklis.serveriai.lt\/?p=3269"},"modified":"2019-02-02T17:19:03","modified_gmt":"2019-02-02T15:19:03","slug":"baisinga-baime-slysti-pavirsiumi-ir-jai-is-paskos-besivejanti-geda","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/2017\/01\/12\/baisinga-baime-slysti-pavirsiumi-ir-jai-is-paskos-besivejanti-geda\/","title":{"rendered":"Baisinga baim\u0117 slysti pavir\u0161iumi ir jai i\u0161 paskos besivejanti g\u0117da"},"content":{"rendered":"

Kartais (i\u0161 tikro, tai vis da\u017eniau) mane apima toks siaubingai baisus<\/em> jausmas. Ne\u017einau, kaip j\u012f pavadinti. Man baisu<\/em>, kad vis labiau ir labiau a\u0161 slystu pavir\u0161iumi, a\u0161 nebepastebiu dalyk\u0173, vis ma\u017eiau gilinuosi \u012f dalykus, mane sudomina vis menkesn\u0117s vert\u0117s turinys, a\u0161 vis sunkiau sutelkiu d\u0117mes\u012f.<\/p>\n

\u0160iuo metu esu pasiekusi t\u0105 lyg\u012f, kuomet nesugebu pa\u017ei\u016br\u0117ti filmo ar serialo serijos. Tiesiog imti, atsis\u0117sti (ar atsigulti) ir pa\u017ei\u016br\u0117ti. Be pertrauk\u0173, be nenumaldomo noro telefone tuo pa\u010diu metu pascrollinti tumbler\u012f, ar t\u0105 pat\u012f feisbuk\u0105. B\u016bna, kad film\u0105 a\u0161 \u017ei\u016briu tris, keturias dienas, kol pa\u017ei\u016briu. B\u016bna, kad pradedu ir taip ir nebaigiu. Dar da\u017eniau b\u016bna, kad staiga susi\u017eav\u0117jusi apra\u0161ymu ar atsisiun\u010diu daug film\u0173, bet j\u0173 taip ir nepa\u017ei\u016briu. I\u0161 viso, filmus a\u0161 i\u0161\u017ei\u016briu tik tada, kai \u017ei\u016briu ne viena arba \u017ei\u016briu kino teatre. Taip jau yra, kad ne viena filmus \u017ei\u016br\u0117ti galiu neda\u017enai. Kino teatre buvau liep\u0105. Liepa buvo seniai. Gyvenu kino teatro pastate, tame kino teatre a\u0161 nesu buvusi. Negyvendama ten visada galvodavau, kad jei ten gyven\u010diau, ei\u010diau \u012f t\u0105 kin\u0105 kas savait\u0119. A\u0161 ne\u017ei\u016briu film\u0173 ne angl\u0173 kalba, nes man nepatinka tai, kad reik\u0117s skaityti titrus.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Video \u012fra\u0161\u0173, kurie yra ilgesni nei kelios minut\u0117s a\u0161 n\u0117 nepradedu \u017ei\u016br\u0117ti, nes \u017einau, kad nei\u0161\u017ei\u016br\u0117siu.<\/p>\n

Tas pats su knygomis. \u0160iuo metu skaitau tris. Kai prad\u0117jau, atrod\u0117, kad eisis lengvai. Neinasi<\/em>. A\u0161 negaliu susikaupti skaitymui tiesiog \u0161tai taip b\u016bdama namuose. Skaityti galiu tik tada, kai ka\u017ekur keliauju (laim\u0117, palyginus da\u017enai). Bet da\u017eniausiai tik ten, kur n\u0117ra interneto. Tai matyt tik l\u0117ktuvuose. Kur nors vykdama a\u0161 pasiimu knyg\u0105, bet niekada, niekada neatsispiriu pagundai oro uosto kioskely dar prigriebt kok\u012f \u0161lam\u0161t\u017eurnal\u012f (patys \u017einot, kok\u012f) ir j\u012f tada vis tiek vartau pirm\u0105, o knygai, b\u016bna, laiko taip ir nebelieka. Guod\u017eiu save d\u0117l to, kad vis tiek visgi dar skaitau, ta\u010diau paskui pamatau \u017emones, kurie per metus perskaito trisde\u0161imt ir tada man pasidaro g\u0117da<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Visai neseniai u\u017esiregistravau viename online kurs\u0173 portale ir m\u0117ginau internetu mokytis grafinio dizaino \u012fvad\u0105. O tu \u0161ventas naivume<\/em>. Ka\u017ekada a\u0161 m\u0117ginau sportuoti namuose. O tu \u0161ventas naivume.<\/em><\/p>\n

Man atrodo, kad tas santykis su kult\u016bra ir asmeniniu tobul\u0117jimu, koks jis buvo, kai buvau koki\u0173 septyniolikos ar dvide\u0161imt vien\u0173, buvo kur kas brandesnis, i\u0161mintingesnis ir \u017eingeidesnis nei jis yra dabar. Dabar nebepara\u0161y\u010diau eil\u0117ra\u0161\u010di\u0173, kuriuos para\u0161ydavau tada. Did\u017eioji t\u0173 eil\u0117ra\u0161\u010di\u0173 dalis dingo ir man nepavyksta j\u0173 prisiminti. Man da\u017enai d\u0117l to b\u016bna li\u016bdna.<\/p>\n

Mane rimtai kankina tas jausmas, kad esu pavir\u0161utini\u0161ka popsist\u0117 ir man g\u0117da<\/em> jau\u010diant, kad \u0161i diagnoz\u0117 progresuoja. Dar baisiau<\/em> kai suprantu, kad ka\u017ei, ar k\u0105 darau, kad tai sustabdy\u010diau. Ta\u010diau tada sutinku \u017emones, kurie akivaizd\u017eiai tuo pavir\u0161ium plaukia kelissyk labiau ir to net nesibaimina<\/em>. Tada pasijuntu geriau. O po to suprantu, kad lyginti save su atvejais, kuomet ka\u017ekas elgiasi taip, kaip nenor\u0117tum elgtis pats ir taip save teisinti bei guosti irgi yra baisiai baisu<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\u017dinot, d\u0117l ko man dar da\u017enai baisu<\/em>? Kad a\u0161 esu kvaila. A\u0161 jaudinuosi, kad mintys, kuriomis dalinuosi su \u017emon\u0117mis, tekstai, kuriuos sud\u0117lioju yra primityv\u016bs, l\u0117k\u0161ti ir bever\u010diai. (Tada bandau sau priminti, kad net jei tai ir yra sald\u017eiausias popsas, ir popsas gali tur\u0117ti i\u0161liekam\u0105j\u0105 vert\u0119). Man da\u017enai b\u016bna g\u0117da<\/em> ir baisu<\/em>, kad \u017eodynas, kur\u012f naudoju, yra skausmingai ribotas ir \u012f j\u012f nemoku \u012fsileisti nauj\u0173 \u017eod\u017ei\u0173 arba tai darau perd\u0117m l\u0117tai.<\/p>\n

Man baisu<\/em>, kad mano humoras l\u0117k\u0161tas, ta\u010diau kartais man pasako, jog jis per sud\u0117tingas, kad j\u012f suprast. Man da\u017enai b\u016bna juokingi tokie apgail\u0117tini dalykai, kad jie \u017emon\u0117ms tiesiog net nejuokingi, ta\u010diau man b\u016bna juokinga, nes ten b\u016bna taip blogai, kad jau net avangardi\u0161kai gerai.<\/p>\n

Man kartais nejauku d\u0117l to, kad a\u0161 nem\u0117gstu teatro. Taip, a\u0161 nem\u0117gstu eiti \u012f teatr\u0105. Po pastar\u0173j\u0173 keli\u0173 apsilankym\u0173 teatre a\u0161 jau\u010diausi blogiau nei prie\u0161 \u012f j\u012f ateidama. Tad nutariau kol kas ten neiti. Man \u017emon\u0117s yra sak\u0119, kad jiems baisu<\/em> ir g\u0117da<\/em> d\u0117l to, kad a\u0161 nem\u0117gstu teatro.<\/p>\n

Man kartais atrodo, kad knygos ir teatras i\u0161 esm\u0117s yra pervertintos meno \u0161akos. Ne visi, kas skaito knygas, skaito geras knygas, para\u0161ytas ger\u0173 ra\u0161ytoj\u0173, ne visi, kas eina \u012f teatr\u0105, eina \u012f gerus spektaklius, pastatytus ger\u0173 re\u017eisieri\u0173. Daug kas, kas skaito ne itin geras knygas ir eina \u012f ne itin ger\u0105 teatr\u0105, m\u0117gsta did\u017eiuotis, kad skaito knygas ir eina \u012f teatr\u0105<\/em>. Man da\u017enai atrodo, kad mes turime per daug knyg\u0173 ir per daug spektakli\u0173 ir jei j\u0173 mes tur\u0117tum\u0117m ma\u017eiau, tie, kuriuos tur\u0117tum\u0117me, b\u016bt\u0173 geresni.<\/p>\n

(Tiesa, \u017eodis \u201egeras\u201c yra tu\u0161tokas b\u016bdvardis.)<\/p>\n

Man rimtai b\u016bna baisu<\/em>, kad mano akiratis toks siauras, jog i\u0161 \u0161ono \u017emon\u0117ms atrodau kaip kvailut kvailut\u0117lis individas, \u012f kur\u012f niekas ne\u017ei\u016bri rimtai. Man vis dar svarbu, k\u0105 apie mane mano \u017emon\u0117s ir a\u0161 nenoriu, kad jie galvot\u0173 blogai. A\u0161 noriu, kad man neb\u016bt\u0173 svarbu, k\u0105 apie mane galvoja \u017emon\u0117s ir noriu nesijausti blogai tada, kai apie mane \u017emon\u0117s galvoja blogai.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Kartais susim\u0105stau, kaip smarkiai galima i\u0161lavinti t\u0105 prot\u0105, kur\u012f jau turi ir ar, visgi, stenkis nesisteng\u0119s, kiek jau duota, tiek ir, kiek besistengtum, atsimu\u0161i \u012f t\u0105 tau paskirt\u0105 rib\u0105, u\u017e kurios i\u0161l\u012fst tau nepavyks ir tiek.<\/p>\n

Viena i\u0161 pagrindini\u0173 prie\u017eas\u010di\u0173, d\u0117l kuri\u0173 a\u0161 stojau \u012f magistrant\u016br\u0105, buvo noras sutikti \u017eingeid\u017eius \u017emones, nerti \u012f \u012fkvepian\u010dias diskusijas ir tobul\u0117ti, tobul\u0117ti, tobul\u0117ti. (Diplomas buvo paskutinis dalykas, r\u016bp\u0117j\u0119s man toje magistrant\u016broje.) Universitete a\u0161 sutikau skausmingai ne\u017eingeid\u017eius ir paikus d\u0117stytojus (arba d\u0117stytojus, kurie yra taip atitr\u016bk\u0119 nuo realyb\u0117s, kad j\u0173 jau nebesugaudyt) ir dar ribotesnius kursiokus. A\u0161 m\u0117gstu \u017emon\u0117se ie\u0161koti ger\u0173j\u0173 savybi\u0173, nepuolu sutikti \u017emoni\u0173 su i\u0161ankstine nepagarba, ta\u010diau po vis\u0173 bandym\u0173 kalb\u0117tis ir atsimu\u0161im\u0173 \u012f apipl\u0117kusi\u0105 pilk\u0105 ribotumo sien\u0105 net ir po trej\u0173 met\u0173 turiu tik tokius prisiminimus. Po pusme\u010dio a\u0161 i\u0161 ten i\u0161\u0117jau. Gali b\u016bti, kad gr\u012f\u0161iu, bet jau nebe ten. Ties\u0105 sakant, labai noriu gr\u012f\u017eti, bet bijau<\/em> ir v\u0117l kaip pupos beriedan\u010di\u0173 a\u0161ar\u0173, kokios ried\u0117jo, kai supratau, kad mano begalinis tro\u0161kimas toliau mokytis nu\u0117jo velniop sumindytas t\u0173 \u017emoni\u0173, kuriuos ten sutikau.<\/p>\n

\u017dodis baisu<\/em> \u0161iame tekste buvo pamin\u0117tas septynis kartus, g\u0117da<\/em> \u2013 penkis.<\/p>\n

Baim\u0117<\/em> ir g\u0117da<\/em> yra visa ko kli\u016btys, baim\u0117<\/em> ir g\u0117da<\/em> neveda niekur, nebent atgal. Velniop, velniop vis\u0105 \u0161it\u0105 baim\u0119<\/em> ir g\u0117d\u0105<\/em>.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Jei tau patinka tai, kaip ra\u0161au,\u00a0 pad\u0117k\u0105 gali i\u0161reik\u0161ti tapdamas mano patronu \u0161tai \u010dia<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Kartais (i\u0161 tikro, tai vis da\u017eniau) mane apima toks siaubingai baisus jausmas. Ne\u017einau, kaip j\u012f pavadinti. Man baisu, kad vis labiau ir labiau a\u0161 slystu…<\/p>\n

Skaityti daugiauBaisinga baim\u0117 slysti pavir\u0161iumi ir jai i\u0161 paskos besivejanti g\u0117da<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3272,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1384,1387],"tags":[1612,295,323,533,547,565,1611,676,1610,1607,1609,1608,1169,1310],"class_list":["post-3269","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-jausmai","category-visuomene","tag-baime","tag-filmai","tag-geda","tag-kinas","tag-knygos","tag-kultura","tag-kvailumas","tag-menas","tag-nemegstu-teatro","tag-pavirsutiniskumas","tag-popsas","tag-slysti-pavirsium","tag-teatras","tag-visuomene","entry"],"yoast_head":"\nBaisinga baim\u0117 slysti pavir\u0161iumi ir jai i\u0161 paskos besivejanti g\u0117da - Mahila<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/2017\/01\/12\/baisinga-baime-slysti-pavirsiumi-ir-jai-is-paskos-besivejanti-geda\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"lt_LT\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Baisinga baim\u0117 slysti pavir\u0161iumi ir jai i\u0161 paskos besivejanti g\u0117da - Mahila\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Kartais (i\u0161 tikro, tai vis da\u017eniau) mane apima toks siaubingai baisus jausmas. 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Nes net ir u\u017eaugus atsiranda prog\u0173 prisiminti, kad giliai tavo viduje pilna nemari\u0173 baub\u0173, kurie, u\u017egim\u0119\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Be kategorijos"","block_context":{"text":"Be kategorijos","link":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/category\/be-kategorijos\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/mahila.lt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/tumblr_pak7bpEUwK1r1yy45o1_1280.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/mahila.lt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/tumblr_pak7bpEUwK1r1yy45o1_1280.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/mahila.lt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/tumblr_pak7bpEUwK1r1yy45o1_1280.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/mahila.lt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/tumblr_pak7bpEUwK1r1yy45o1_1280.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":3377,"url":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/2017\/02\/26\/gyvenimas-atsisakius-alkoholio-kaip-viskas-pasikeite\/","url_meta":{"origin":3269,"position":4},"title":"Gyvenimas atsisakius alkoholio: kaip viskas pasikeit\u0117","author":"Mahila","date":"2017 26 vasario","format":false,"excerpt":"Praeit\u0105 rugs\u0117j\u012f supratau, kad mano gyvenime yra per daug alkoholio, tad nutariau smarkiai suma\u017einti jo vartojimo da\u017enius ir kiekius. Apie t\u0105 supratim\u0105 dar ir para\u0161iau ne\u012ftik\u0117tinai did\u017eiulio atgarsio sulaukusiame straipsnyje. Tai padaryti buvo ne taip jau ir lengva. Iki tol kiekvien\u0105 savaitgal\u012f b\u016bdavo bent vienas vienas vakaras (bet da\u017eniausiai \u2013\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Atradimai"","block_context":{"text":"Atradimai","link":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/category\/atradimai\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/mahila.lt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/tumblr_olly44Fsna1u4ekk7o1_1280.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/mahila.lt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/tumblr_olly44Fsna1u4ekk7o1_1280.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/mahila.lt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/tumblr_olly44Fsna1u4ekk7o1_1280.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/mahila.lt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/tumblr_olly44Fsna1u4ekk7o1_1280.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/mahila.lt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/tumblr_olly44Fsna1u4ekk7o1_1280.jpg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":2964,"url":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/2016\/09\/23\/tamsus-ir-liudnas-kartais-gali-buti-vidurvasaris\/","url_meta":{"origin":3269,"position":5},"title":"Tamsus ir li\u016bdnas kartais gali b\u016bti vidurvasaris su praeities vaiduokliais tau u\u017e nugaros","author":"Mahila","date":"2016 23 rugs\u0117jo","format":false,"excerpt":"\u0160is \u012fra\u0161as yra gan ni\u016brus, tad, jei bijote susigadinti nuotaik\u0105, ver\u010diau neskaitykite. Nors ir pasakyti \u017eod\u017eiai, i\u0161 kuri\u0173 d\u0117lioju pie\u0161inius, ne visada \u0161viesiausi, ta\u010diau juk be tamsos \u0161viesa blankesn\u0117. ------- Kai man buvo 18 met\u0173 a\u0161 neb\u016b\u010diau pagalvojusi, kad laikui b\u0117gant darosi taip sunku gyventi. Nes kiekvieni papildomi metai, kiekvienos\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Jausmai"","block_context":{"text":"Jausmai","link":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/category\/jausmai\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/mahila.lt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/tumblr_nqquae3wKh1qzgg0jo2_540.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/mahila.lt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/tumblr_nqquae3wKh1qzgg0jo2_540.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/mahila.lt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/tumblr_nqquae3wKh1qzgg0jo2_540.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pdhVvp-QJ","amp_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/tumblr_ocmzsaYJpW1snb6qwo1_500.jpg","post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3269","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3269"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3269\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4957,"href":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3269\/revisions\/4957"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3272"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3269"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3269"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mahila.lt\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3269"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}